Photo by Vicko Mozara on Unsplash
Al's Vacation
By Nolcha Fox
New Message
to: Al Temple ()
subject: GLORIOUS
Al,
I haven’t felt this glorious since our wedding day. That was 35 years ago.
Yes, I promised to love, cherish, and obey. Maybe that’s why we’re still together. Or maybe I’m an optimist.
Can you imagine? Last night was our first time apart since you took a wrong turn and didn’t realize anything was wrong until you crossed the state line. I won’t even ask why you didn’t figure that out sooner. C’mon, Al. Six hours of driving and you still thought you were on your way home? The market is a 10-minute drive from our front door. Plus, you finally came home with two bushels of apples instead of a carton of milk. I thought my head was going to explode. I should have left you then.
I woke up this morning to an immaculate kitchen, just the way I like it. I didn’t have to wash any dishes and pots you threw into the sink after I went to bed. (Really, Al. The dishwasher is right next to the sink. If you can’t reach that far, at least rinse everything off.)
I woke up this morning to a clean and quiet house. I didn’t have to pick up the trail of dirty clothes you left behind you on the way to the shower. I didn’t have to turn off the TV after you left. I even threw out six months’ worth of magazines and newspapers you kept promising you’d get around to reading.
And guess what, Al? I finally found my grandmother’s sterling silver ladle I’ve been asking you about for the past five years. You left it in the bag of dog kibble. I appreciate you helping out, but Gracie is a Chihuahua, not a St. Bernard. No wonder she looks like a four-legged sausage. She’s on a diet, starting today.
Why bother to send this email? It’s the same old things I say to you all the time. Writing it down won’t make a difference. Besides, you won’t read it anyway, just like you don’t read shopping lists.
Shirley
to: Al Temple ()
subject: GLORIOUS
Al,
I haven’t felt this glorious since our wedding day. That was 35 years ago.
Yes, I promised to love, cherish, and obey. Maybe that’s why we’re still together. Or maybe I’m an optimist.
Can you imagine? Last night was our first time apart since you took a wrong turn and didn’t realize anything was wrong until you crossed the state line. I won’t even ask why you didn’t figure that out sooner. C’mon, Al. Six hours of driving and you still thought you were on your way home? The market is a 10-minute drive from our front door. Plus, you finally came home with two bushels of apples instead of a carton of milk. I thought my head was going to explode. I should have left you then.
I woke up this morning to an immaculate kitchen, just the way I like it. I didn’t have to wash any dishes and pots you threw into the sink after I went to bed. (Really, Al. The dishwasher is right next to the sink. If you can’t reach that far, at least rinse everything off.)
I woke up this morning to a clean and quiet house. I didn’t have to pick up the trail of dirty clothes you left behind you on the way to the shower. I didn’t have to turn off the TV after you left. I even threw out six months’ worth of magazines and newspapers you kept promising you’d get around to reading.
And guess what, Al? I finally found my grandmother’s sterling silver ladle I’ve been asking you about for the past five years. You left it in the bag of dog kibble. I appreciate you helping out, but Gracie is a Chihuahua, not a St. Bernard. No wonder she looks like a four-legged sausage. She’s on a diet, starting today.
Why bother to send this email? It’s the same old things I say to you all the time. Writing it down won’t make a difference. Besides, you won’t read it anyway, just like you don’t read shopping lists.
Shirley
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Al Temple <> June 25 (20 days ago)
to me
My darling Shirley,
You don’t know how much I miss you and how much I’m looking forward to coming back home. I should never have agreed to such a long vacation. Three weeks in the Florida Everglades is too much time away from you.
My buddies aren’t very nice to me. Can you imagine? I came out of the shower to find my dirty clothes, utensils, dishes, pots, and gum wrappers piled on my bed. Why didn’t they just put it all away? I guess I’ll have to wash the bedding, if I ever figure out how to do it.
Well, it’s time to go fishing. I’ll write more later.
Love you,
Al
to me
My darling Shirley,
You don’t know how much I miss you and how much I’m looking forward to coming back home. I should never have agreed to such a long vacation. Three weeks in the Florida Everglades is too much time away from you.
My buddies aren’t very nice to me. Can you imagine? I came out of the shower to find my dirty clothes, utensils, dishes, pots, and gum wrappers piled on my bed. Why didn’t they just put it all away? I guess I’ll have to wash the bedding, if I ever figure out how to do it.
Well, it’s time to go fishing. I’ll write more later.
Love you,
Al
Shirley Temple <> July 2 (12 days ago)
to me
Dear Al,
Your buddies are very creative. Wish I had thought of that.
Anyway, sorry not to respond to your email sooner. I’ve been out shopping, wining, and dining with my friends. They all tell me they haven’t ever seen me so relaxed and happy. I have to spend more time with the girls from now on.
Surprise! I took out a gym membership. Carol suggested it. I got on a treadmill, and almost made it to half an hour.
I’m gonna be so glamorous, you won’t recognize me when you come home.
Ooh la la!
Shirley
to me
Dear Al,
Your buddies are very creative. Wish I had thought of that.
Anyway, sorry not to respond to your email sooner. I’ve been out shopping, wining, and dining with my friends. They all tell me they haven’t ever seen me so relaxed and happy. I have to spend more time with the girls from now on.
Surprise! I took out a gym membership. Carol suggested it. I got on a treadmill, and almost made it to half an hour.
I’m gonna be so glamorous, you won’t recognize me when you come home.
Ooh la la!
Shirley
New Message
to: Al Temple ()
subject: hi
Hi Al,
I’m starting to miss you, just a little bit. I know we haven’t been very happy for a long time. But we can try again to make it right, can’t we?
Love you,
Shirley
P.S. I’m not going to send this email. You’ll just think I’m crazy.
to: Al Temple ()
subject: hi
Hi Al,
I’m starting to miss you, just a little bit. I know we haven’t been very happy for a long time. But we can try again to make it right, can’t we?
Love you,
Shirley
P.S. I’m not going to send this email. You’ll just think I’m crazy.
Your message has been discarded. Undo discard
Al Temple <> July 6 (8 days ago)
to me
Hi Shirley,
Some pals I have. This isn’t a vacation, it’s an intervention. Did they tell you they were going to do this?
They think I’m a slob, that I expect everyone to clean up after me. They even threatened to throw me and my fishing gear overboard, and let me swim back to shore. Can you imagine?
I left my gear spread out for my friends to use. I was only being generous. They obviously didn’t understand. Maybe I have to work on my communication skills a little.
My buddies aren’t exactly models of cleanliness themselves. But they said they could win a Good Housekeeping Award compared to me.
Jason even told me I married my mother, because you take care of me just like her. I know you never liked Mom, so I hope you don’t feel insulted.
Love,
Al
P.S. I hope you didn’t take out a gym membership for me.
to me
Hi Shirley,
Some pals I have. This isn’t a vacation, it’s an intervention. Did they tell you they were going to do this?
They think I’m a slob, that I expect everyone to clean up after me. They even threatened to throw me and my fishing gear overboard, and let me swim back to shore. Can you imagine?
I left my gear spread out for my friends to use. I was only being generous. They obviously didn’t understand. Maybe I have to work on my communication skills a little.
My buddies aren’t exactly models of cleanliness themselves. But they said they could win a Good Housekeeping Award compared to me.
Jason even told me I married my mother, because you take care of me just like her. I know you never liked Mom, so I hope you don’t feel insulted.
Love,
Al
P.S. I hope you didn’t take out a gym membership for me.
Shirley Temple <> July 7 (7 days ago)
to me
Hey Al,
I’ve been feeling a little down, so I made an appointment through work to see a therapist.
Don’t worry, it’s free.
No, I didn’t take out a gym membership for you. You’re allergic to exercise. You can barely jump to conclusions.
Shirley
to me
Hey Al,
I’ve been feeling a little down, so I made an appointment through work to see a therapist.
Don’t worry, it’s free.
No, I didn’t take out a gym membership for you. You’re allergic to exercise. You can barely jump to conclusions.
Shirley
Al Temple <> July 7 (7 days ago)
to me
Hey Shirley,
What’s with the therapist? Are you crazy? What will my friends think?
Al
to me
Hey Shirley,
What’s with the therapist? Are you crazy? What will my friends think?
Al
Shirley Temple <> July 7 (7 days ago)
to me
Al,
You really think I’m crazy? I’m sure your friends think so, for me to stay with you so long. My friends certainly do.
Shirley
P.S. Your friends are right. You’re a slob.
to me
Al,
You really think I’m crazy? I’m sure your friends think so, for me to stay with you so long. My friends certainly do.
Shirley
P.S. Your friends are right. You’re a slob.
Shirley Temple <> July 9 (5 days ago)
to me
Al,
I had a come-to-Jesus therapy session. I realized that it’s not totally your fault you're a slob. I let you be that way by cleaning up after you all these years.
But if I didn’t clean up after you, the cockroaches and mice would have eaten everything, including Gracie. We’d have to condemn the house.
Shirley
to me
Al,
I had a come-to-Jesus therapy session. I realized that it’s not totally your fault you're a slob. I let you be that way by cleaning up after you all these years.
But if I didn’t clean up after you, the cockroaches and mice would have eaten everything, including Gracie. We’d have to condemn the house.
Shirley
Shirley Temple <> July 9 (5 days ago)
to me
Al,
I’m sorry for making you the man you are today. Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever talk to me again?
Shirley
to me
Al,
I’m sorry for making you the man you are today. Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever talk to me again?
Shirley
Al Temple <> July 10 (4 days ago)
to me
No
Al
to me
No
Al
Shirley Temple <> July 12 (2 days ago)
to me
Al,
I changed the locks. My divorce attorney said that’s not a problem since your name isn’t on title. Besides, I’m the one who’s been making the house payments.
See what happens when you don’t take responsibility for anything?
Have fun in Florida. Don’t bother to come home.
Shirley
to me
Al,
I changed the locks. My divorce attorney said that’s not a problem since your name isn’t on title. Besides, I’m the one who’s been making the house payments.
See what happens when you don’t take responsibility for anything?
Have fun in Florida. Don’t bother to come home.
Shirley
Al Temple <> July 13 (1 day ago)
to me
Shirley,
I met a nice young Cuban woman. Don’t worry, I won’t be coming home.
Al
to me
Shirley,
I met a nice young Cuban woman. Don’t worry, I won’t be coming home.
Al
Shirley Temple <> July 13 (1 day ago)
to me
Al,
I wish her luck.
Shirley
to me
Al,
I wish her luck.
Shirley
Doofus <> July 14
to me
Shirley,
Don’t worry, she knows exactly what she’s getting into. We’ve been seeing each other for the last five years. She’s the reason I drove over the state line instead of coming home directly from the market. I moved her into our own little love nest.
Al
to me
Shirley,
Don’t worry, she knows exactly what she’s getting into. We’ve been seeing each other for the last five years. She’s the reason I drove over the state line instead of coming home directly from the market. I moved her into our own little love nest.
Al
New Message
to: Doofus ()
subject: [No subject]
Al,
She knows exactly what she’s getting into because your Chiquita and I had a nice long talk after I found her telephone number on a crumpled paper in your pants pocket.
You really are a slob.
Shirley
P.S. No need to send this email. It won’t make a difference. Besides, I can be generous and let you have the last word. I’m taking everything else.
to: Doofus ()
subject: [No subject]
Al,
She knows exactly what she’s getting into because your Chiquita and I had a nice long talk after I found her telephone number on a crumpled paper in your pants pocket.
You really are a slob.
Shirley
P.S. No need to send this email. It won’t make a difference. Besides, I can be generous and let you have the last word. I’m taking everything else.
Your message has been discarded. Undo discard
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Nolcha Fox worked as a technical writer in California for over two decades, in the software and finance industries. Now retired, she writes short stories, poetry, and blogs at http://nolchafox.wixsite.com/buffalo-wyoming-blog
Her short story, "Mother Love," was published in horror fiction magazine DeadLights, “Marbles” was given honorable mention for adult fiction in the 2017 Wyoming Writer’s contest. She is an active member of Wyoming Writers, Inc., and the Writers Ink group in Buffalo, WY (which meets in the local haunted hotel). |
